Today was an... alright day. I didn't have reading class which was both good and bad. Good because i didn't feel like sitting there for an hour and a half, bad, because i..... eh id rather not say. So with reading canceled i decided to drive to the beach. I sat in the sand watched the waves roll by, I also saw surfers! And i wanted to be out there too!!! They were so lucky, being able to hover over the wave like that. i miss it, I wish summer would come back. The beach was so empty with out all the sunbathers, children, and annoying old people. But I liked it that way. So quite. Instead of heard loud, screaming kids, or the lifeguards whistle, or having peoples fuckin beach chairs crowding up the shore line..... ohh god i can go on. I guess they all just kind of get in my way. I mean the surfers always have to move down just so the other people can swim. I mean yes the ocean just doesn't belong to the surfers but... cant we just stay in one spot... and not move at all... or even better just lower the price of gilgo beach!!! to get in there is like 30$ unless your a resident then you go in and out for free!!! that beach is awesome. so many breaks! so many surfers. i wish i was there now! no screaming kids! But no I'm here, where its peaceful... yet it seems a little lifeless. I was at Field 5 Robert moses. And I had been going to that beach my whole life. As i got older more people were coming... and then the beach got smaller. so for the first time in like years i went to Field 5 which always used to take me forever just to reach the shore line. but what used to take me 20 mins now takes me only 20 seconds. made me sad to think about how much of this beach has eroded away.

CaNt GeT tHiS sOnG oUt Of My HeAd!!!!

"I Miss You"
(I miss you, I miss you)
Hello there, the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never ends

(I miss you, I miss you)(I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me
you're already The voice inside my head
(I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me
you're already The voice inside my head

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me
you're already The voice inside my head
(I miss you, I miss you)
Don't waste your time on me
you're already The voice inside my head
(I miss you, I miss you)[x3](I miss you, I miss you) [x4]

...

Hmmm... today was..... interesting.... I.... dont .... know..... what ..... I did or how i managed to do it....... hmmm ..... well... i told him..... "i like you." and i think that went rather.... well...... hmm.... ... yeah..... sooo im... i dont know.... im happy.... i havent been happy in months... and..... now i ...i dont know.... im feeling alive again.... which..... is weird........ hmmm..... wow .... i can actually feel my heart beating..... like im almost whole again,.... eh not completely but ... itll do.

NOBODY TALK TO ME!!!

OMFG, IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF!!! I really dont want to talk to anyone right now!!! I hate this so much!!! Nobody talk to me!!! And please just leave me alone!!!

ASJ AuCtIoN

Went to ASJ toay for the auction. But I couldnt stay long. Althought my friends were there I felt like crying. While I was there i felt like i was home. But I walked around the rooms and campus and saw how empty it all was. I couldnt take it, I got outta there as fast as I could. What tore me up most was when i saw the harp being sold. I rememeber that harp being in the parlor. That was where I was interveiwed and then later where i was accepted in the Academy. I remeber being 9 and wanting to play with the untuned harp. My parents told me to sit up straight on not to play with the harp. But when they werent looking i decided to check it out. They then turned around and freaked out lmfao. That was when the sister susan (lower school principal) came in and told me to follow her to the 4th grade class room. Where it all began...

TiReD oF bEiNg aLl AlOnE

Im tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home,
Im tired of being all alone and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home,
I was born to tell you i love you, and i am torn, to do what i have to,
to make you mine and stay with me tonight.

Secondhand serinade stuck in my head haha ily them <3 sooo much!!!
lalalalalalala


Still awake tossing and turning in my bed... kinda lonley and cant sleep at all.... maybe thats why im singing a lonley song... i mean GOD where is everyone at 1:33 in the morning haha. well today was.... interesting. rather not disscuss it here haha... still thinking of him... i miss him... i miss seeing him.... god tuesday feels so far away!!! so i guess ill be lonley too.... another second serinade song in my head god.... im pathetic... no i really am. and cold... im freezeing i wish it was summer... the surf was up and the boys were HOT yesssss.... thats what i need some nice surf weather and a hot boy witha good bod!!! perfect.... actually my friend told me to surf with him like now!!! when the waves are bigger and blah blah blah blah blah ugh he has to shut up!!! thats like really cold and im not gonna die of.... cold.... well i mean he has a point the waves are like huge and plus i have a whole body suit so that should keep me warm.... plus the fact that its the end of summer and my body is already ised to the cold waters.... and he has a long board... but also the coldness could draw sharks... ehhh its shark... haha omg i sound fucking crazzii!!! im sorry im not crazzi!!! lmfao of course thats what all crazzi ppl say !!! but really... lately i havent been feeling anything... at all like i havent been feeing happy, sad, mad nothing. just kida dead... so i thought if i do some extreme stuff ill feel alive again... like ADRENALINE hahahah yes i remeber when i used to get that from surfing hahahaha yes that was sweet!!! that was what kept me going and that was what made me surf more... to get that feeling and... man what i would do to get that feeling back!!!! wow its now 1:44 and im still up i g2g before i bore you all to death haha

FeElInG aLiVe

Every now and then, someone comes along.
Someone who changes your life completely.
Someone who changes your perspective on what love is, and what life is.
And for me, that person was you.

I love your cute little voice, and when it breaks.
I love your smile, and those puppy dog eyes.
I love spending my every second of my day with you.

I'd love to describe how i feel for you,but the dictionary didn't have strong enough words!
they say a picture is worth a thousand words...
but I'm not nearly good enough at drawing.
so you'll just have to trust me, you'll just have to believe in me when i say
"you're the best that I'll ever have"

God I'm pathetic!!!

EhHhHh WhAtEvEr

Hmmm... dont know what to write about. Im bored as hell!!! And theres stupid kids screamming outside!!! for no reason!!! they just deside its okay to scream!!! whats there problem?!?! I'm sleepy!!! and have to make dinner!!! still no clue what to make!! maybe some chicken par or something... no worries I'll cook up something! haha tommorrows tuesday!!!!! i like tuesdays!!! haha!!!!

ToMmOrRoW ..(uGh)

Today was BOREING!!! but i know tommorrow wont be that boreing!!! Cause Reading usually goes by fast, and Yoga... maybe not so much , but reading lab is quick too so it shouldnt be all bad.... ok who am i kidding the real reason why i am excited is cause HE will be there. but im sad. cause i know he'll only be my friend. thats it. the reason why im sad. Im not sad cause hes my friend, im just sad cause thats all he'll ever be, a friend.... that it unless i say something. but the question is...what? what can i possibly say? i have to say something, but im afriad i'll say something stupid. gah help me!!!!

JuSt WhAtS oN mY mInD

Today was ruff. reading was boreing and yoga hurt! owch! But all day, couldnt stop thinking of him. And still cant. This is so weird. I dont understand why i get so nervious and happy around him. And i dont undersatnd why i cant just talk to him! i know everytime i get home i say okay now tommorrow your gonna go up to him and ask him out! But i get there and i get nervious and dont know what to say. Instead of saying "Hey, whats up?" i say somthing dumb like "Can i borrow a pen?" UGH IM SO STUPID!!!... although i did get his pen... which was good cause then I wouldve had to actually go all the way deep in my bag and stuggle all the way passed those hudge books and dig all for a pen. Justa pen. All that when I could just ask the nice hott boy for a pen. Not "Do you wanna hang out?" Ofcouse not! I had to be the dumbass to ask for a pen. hey, maybe thursday when i get to scared to ask him out,I'll ask for a pencil, cause i think i lost the pen...

CaNt SlEeP

Ever just think about a person like all day? You dont quite understand whats wrong with you or even why this guy is in your head constantly?!?!?! I dont quite get it? Ive never felt... this feeling i have... its a weird feeling... happy feeling... something ive never felt before in my life... a feeling that makes me feel alive. But then theirs this problem. A different problem that takes away the feeling. And no matter what you do to get rid of that problem it keeps comming back... back to completely make you feel like shit... and no matter what you do or say it wont go away at all... that thought... that one nasty thought... the thought that makes you restless... all night tossing and turning just waiting till you see him... so he can get your mind off it all, off everything and anything at all.... eh who am i kidding you have no clue what im talking about... haha

UhHhH wHaT EvEr

Im so tired! im stressed... cant take this bull shit anymore... sometimes its not even worth it! none of it is... im sick of the yelling, im sick of the fights, im sick of always being in fear, and i want it all to go away! the only thing keeping me together is HIM.<3

My FiRsT bLoG

my first blog... to be honest idk what to write... alot of stuff has been happening and i thought i would "let it out" but it seems that doing that is harder then i thought. I thought it would be easy just write a bunch of things and how your feeling. but i feel like some of those feelings are hard to........ uhhhh.... express i suppose. i mean, its not like ppl will actually care what i have to say. why would my opinion matter? idk. maybe im just upset that i miss asj.... nope thats deffinatly it. i miss my home. where i grew up. where i learned like alot. where i made friends and family that i never wanna lose. it made me sad to walk out that building and know that i may never walk in it again... that i may never see my asj family again. I feel like im empty like theres alot missing from my life now.... almost as if im not complete. im not as happy as i used to be or as energetic. i fake a smile or even a laugh just so ppl can think im okay. but sometimes its hard to fake something like that when deep down you know your lieing to everyone who is close to you. ive never felt like this before...EVER... and i know most of you really dont care. but incase you do... thats it..... well kinda. really not even half of my story....